I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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