this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
