Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize