i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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