Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
This is my gift to your gina
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
