did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
