I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
