Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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