A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
