I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
