my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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