is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
