Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
