I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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