my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize