Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize