How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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