I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
