you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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