This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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