Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
