i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
