I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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