i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
