I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
