I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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