I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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