hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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