This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
