He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
