using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
