HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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