my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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