the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
