you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
