Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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