I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
