Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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