I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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