And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
