ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my shit smells like andre
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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