finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
