you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
