I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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