I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
