Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
