I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize