i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
