Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
