Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You made out with two different species that night
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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