forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize