Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
