I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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