We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
