ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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