Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
