I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
