I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
