I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
