Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
