Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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