hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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